One of my favorite things at this years Nightlife Awards was a letter written by one of my favorite performers and writers. His name is Bruce Vilanch. Scott Siegel was nice enough to let me publish Bruce Vilanch's hysterical letter. Enjoy!
Good evening, children of the night. What music you make. In case you are wondering, the person reading this is not Bruce Vilanch. Bruce Vilanch is flat on his back tonight. In truth, he is flat on his back every night, like many of you, but for more money. On this particular night, however, he is recovering from knee surgery. There is no truth to the rumor he injured himself picketing. There is no truth to the rumor he injured himself rehearsing the Ice Capades. There is no truth to the rumor that he fell off of Tommy Tune. The truth is, Bruce has been abusing his knees for years now, as many of you can fondly recall. You know who you are. Because of this surgery, which, like most surgeries, could only be scheduled at his inconvenience, Bruce was unavailable to travel from his flooded canyon home, where he is recuperating on a life raft attached to Pamela Anderson – so it never will sink – to the bigger apple. He is profoundly sorry, but not as sorry as he was when he realized he had misread the casting breakdown on THE LITTLE MERMAID and he would NOT be playing the coveted role of the squid with eight testicles. Apparently, it’s tentacles. On to the Nightlife Awards, the only award show where the winners do acceptance arias. Whether Bruce is here or not, you’re going to have a wonderful time. If any of you bought tickets thinking you were going to see Bruce, he will be happy to report to your homes anytime this year between midnight and six. Bruce thanks you for indulging him this arthroscopic moment in time – and now – enjoy yourself beyond all legal limits. On with the show!
Written by Bruce Vilanch read by Scott Siegel.
Good evening, children of the night. What music you make. In case you are wondering, the person reading this is not Bruce Vilanch. Bruce Vilanch is flat on his back tonight. In truth, he is flat on his back every night, like many of you, but for more money. On this particular night, however, he is recovering from knee surgery. There is no truth to the rumor he injured himself picketing. There is no truth to the rumor he injured himself rehearsing the Ice Capades. There is no truth to the rumor that he fell off of Tommy Tune. The truth is, Bruce has been abusing his knees for years now, as many of you can fondly recall. You know who you are. Because of this surgery, which, like most surgeries, could only be scheduled at his inconvenience, Bruce was unavailable to travel from his flooded canyon home, where he is recuperating on a life raft attached to Pamela Anderson – so it never will sink – to the bigger apple. He is profoundly sorry, but not as sorry as he was when he realized he had misread the casting breakdown on THE LITTLE MERMAID and he would NOT be playing the coveted role of the squid with eight testicles. Apparently, it’s tentacles. On to the Nightlife Awards, the only award show where the winners do acceptance arias. Whether Bruce is here or not, you’re going to have a wonderful time. If any of you bought tickets thinking you were going to see Bruce, he will be happy to report to your homes anytime this year between midnight and six. Bruce thanks you for indulging him this arthroscopic moment in time – and now – enjoy yourself beyond all legal limits. On with the show!
Written by Bruce Vilanch read by Scott Siegel.
Photo by Maryann Lopinto.
Hopefully Bruce will be back on Broadway soon. If only they would bring back his one man show that ran at Westbeth many years ago. Vilanch is a comedic genius!!!!
